1st: I am so bloody fucking sick of the People Game. Trying to figure out through all the subtle clues just what the hell people mean. Beyond actual deception, which I have NO patience for, even those of us who want to be faithful to ourselves and honest must filter our messages to the world. "If I don't add an exclamation mark here, they'll think I'm dowdy." What does that even mean? I have not got the patience to explain it. I don't want to edit myself, but even more I don't want to have to sift through subtleties and nuances to figure out what people really mean.

Oh and also, I'm bloody fucking sick of fearing that I'm too needy. If people think I'm too needy...so be it. I don't want to change who I am to make friends. Even if I make no friends in the process, which often seems to be the direction I'm heading in. Or already facing.

2nd: I am so bloody fucking sick of wanting to write and not doing it. I'm too scared, and what does that get me? Nothing. So what if I'm not a good writer anymore. So what if what I produce is crap. It's better than producing nothing at all. And if I'm just a shitty writer, so be it. That's okay. As long as I'm a writer. And besides, the only way to get from Shitty Writer to Less Shitty Writer is to fucking do it and do it and keep doing it. To that end, I've decided to just fucking do it. Here is a fear of jinxing it, but at this point I'm more sick of being afraid than I'm afraid of jinxing it. So, I opened up the file of my last NaNo novel, which I did not come close to finishing, and am working on it again, and I was actually really pleased by a lot of it. Much is crap, of course, and I fear even the parts I am enjoying are crap that my crap radar is not picking up, but again I'm more sick of being afraid at this point, so I'm just going to look at the parts that please me and say, These please me.

On a good note: I have created the cutest child ever. He's looking at me right now with his big adorable blue eyes and milky drool dripping from his chin. He's been "dunking for cereal" in the bowl again. Leon has tought him to say 'Go Lakers!' and 'Kobe!' and I'm teaching him how to pee in the potty. We are parents. I want another baby. That will have to wait, but goddamn do I ever love the heck out of this little Porky.